Don’t wait for the hangover to say: ‘Gord died doing what he loved…’

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A Picture of the Lovelace Island in the middle of the Little Kedron Lake, NB.ALKI-TRAZ ISLAND, NB—I just hate those news stories involving fatal accidents in which some sobbing survivor burbles about yet another daredevil too stupid to stay home in his recliner: “at least he died doing what he loved.”

It seems to me a little farfetched that anyone in his final moments would think: “Boy, I just LOVE having this snowmobile roll over and crush my head” or “Whooopeee, my parachute hasn’t opened!” or “Isn’t it fantastic that the Titanic band is playing my favorite song.” Continue reading →

God On-line

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Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not (obviously, considering the references to ancient technology) been updated.

God On-line

By Gord Lovelace © 1997

Welcome to GOD ON-LINE. Continue reading →

Lovelace on Life
(White House spin)

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Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not been updated. The following obviously goes back to the turn of the newest century.

Lovelace on Life
(White House spin: Clinton personally checks all staff for head lice)

A lot of people are comparing Clinton’s troubles to Watergate, but they are quite different. After all, while Nixon said: “I am not a crook”, Clinton is saying, “Mine is not crooked.”…and when Nixon asked a staffer to come in and “kiss it”, he meant his ass. Continue reading →

Lovelace on life
The Boomer’s Guide to Truth and other neat stuff

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Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not been updated.

Lovelace on life

The Boomer’s Guide to Truth and other neat stuff Continue reading →

‘It’s over, Muggsy,
so drop the putter’

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Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not been updated. (This must stretch back to Tiger Woods’ debut if disgraced Hockey Canada Tsar Alan Eagleson was still in the joint.)

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NEWS ITEM: Federal Solicitor General’s office says prisoners’ golf course at B.C. pen “no different than basketball hoops or body-building weights.”

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‘It’s over, Muggsy, so drop the putter’

MISSION, B.C.–The Head Groundskeeper dashed into the office, totally oblivious to what his cleats and great gobs of Northern Dancer Natural Green-Gro were doing to the shag rug. Continue reading →

Shoot the messenger

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Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not been updated.

Shoot the messenger

By Gord Lovelace (from May 2006)

Ottawa full of clap!
Aw, poop—now we’re in trouble.
The press reports this week new stats showing that, while the number of people smoking has dropped in Ottawa, syphilis rates are way up. Continue reading →

Cocktail parties no place
for the unvarnished truth

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My First Wife (MFW) of 40 odd years is retiring next month and, being a thoughtful new-age type of guy, I inquired whether she wished me to be at her side for moral and spousal support when her office had her farewell cocktail party.

“Oh God, NO!” outburst MFW. “I mean, no, I couldn’t possibly ask you to interrupt your trip to the fishing camp. You’ll be missed, for sure, but I’ll just have to muddle by on my own.”

Actually, MFW has been muddling as a solo act on the cocktail circuit for most of our 40 decades of holy deadlock and that’s just as well considering my track record.

You see, I’ve just never quite mastered the art of social chitchat. Continue reading →

Retirees dying young thanks
to kindness of slave-drivers

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You hear about the unfortunate victims all the time.

The latest came in a call from a much wrought buddy, who for some reason actually calls himself Buddy despite the fact his real name is Phineas Broadhurst Quimby Jr.

“Geez, Gord, did you get the news about Charlie Stenwick? He finally retired in October and, boom, dropped dead six months later.” Continue reading →

Till Debt Do Us Part host would find us disturbing

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I have this recurring fantasy that, someday, that British-accented busybody Gail Hyphenated-Person from the reality show Till Debt do us Part is going to come to my place and finally find a little fantasy of her own….

“Hi, there, Gord. I’m Gail and I’d like to start this exercise by walking around your home to see the useless stuff that you have acquired to support your lavish lifestyle and then return to insult you.” Continue reading →

Evil nations tremble as Canada’s submarine fleet moves 300 yards

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The long-awaited launch of HMCS Windsor began this morning. (Phonse Jessome/CBC)

Troubled sub hits water after lengthy refit. VIA cbc.ca

Well, the bad guys of the world have reason to tremble today after Canada finally re-launched its fearsome submarine fleet.

After years of repairs, Her Majesty’s Canadian Ship (HMCS) Gerryrig sailed out of Fred’s Discount Garage in Halifax to begin an epic voyage of at least 300 yards as a bevy of tugboats jostled her dockside to join her three buddies, HMCS Lemon, Edsel and Cardboard. Continue reading →