U.S. fights crime with guns,
we just stopped breeding…

It’s too hot to be funny and so I thought I’d do something different this week by explaining, once and for all, the complete historical, social and political relationship between Canada and the U.S. A Canadian Mounted Police and State Trooper stand in ceremony to commemorate the joining of a pipeline between Portland and Montreal

Okay, now that I’ve got rid of all the kids in the audience, let’s get to the nub of the matter contained in an email I got from a correspondent in Texas named Bert posing the following question: “Dear Gord, there has been a lot of stuff on CNN suggesting you Canadians have got a lot of things right on medicare, immigration, banking and crime prevention. You make a lot of sense behind the humor and I’d be interested in your take on what makes two peoples who share a continent, language and Christian faith so different.” Continue reading

Evil nations tremble as Canada’s submarine fleet moves 300 yards

The long-awaited launch of HMCS Windsor began this morning. (Phonse Jessome/CBC)

Troubled sub hits water after lengthy refit. VIA cbc.ca

Well, the bad guys of the world have reason to tremble today after Canada finally re-launched its fearsome submarine fleet.

After years of repairs, Her Majesty’s Canadian Ship (HMCS) Gerryrig sailed out of Fred’s Discount Garage in Halifax to begin an epic voyage of at least 300 yards as a bevy of tugboats jostled her dockside to join her three buddies, HMCS Lemon, Edsel and Cardboard. Continue reading

Rich burghers protest condo blocking dead peoples’ view

A picture of the view of Parliament Hill from the Beechwood Cemetery in Ottawa

Image care of the Ottawa Citizen. Photograph by: Bruno Schlumberger , The Ottawa Citizen

I hope you’re all sitting down, because here comes another nutty story from Ottawa so shocking that you might have a fatal heart attack whose most serious consequence, (other than that minor thing that you’ve become dead), is that you won’t be able to see the Parliament Buildings while you slumber six feet under. Continue reading

City hall against motherhood and we sexless DINKs agree

Well, there goes the neighbourhood ….

Image of Pamela Howson's house in Ottawa neighbourhood.

The Ottawa media are all in a twist because a woman living a couple of blocks from us has filed a human rights complaint against the city for not allowing her to park on her front lawn.

Yup, you read that right.

And it gets better. Continue reading

Butt-hating mayor pondering cover-up to use Puffer voters to ban everything

I spotted my old buddy, Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson, at a ribbon-cutting ceremony the other day to mark the opening of a new ribbon and scissors factory and rushed right over to shake his hand.

After checking my proffered digits for tobacco stains, Jimbo gingerly grasped my mitt and sighed, awaiting the inevitable blindside sucker punch that is just one of the fundamentals of a relationship that goes back almost 30 years. Continue reading

Shooting the messengers:
CBC tests my handgun bias

I feel a certain fellowship with that gun-toting guy who videoed himself bravely blowing his daughter’s laptop all to hell for some perceived slight.

Were it not for my firmly-held views that guns should be in armories (and teenage daughters in nunneries), the carnage in my house would be gruesome. Continue reading

Cheapo Moe wouldn’t risk dishonour wasting Lexus to kill four mere women

The honour killing trial is over in Kingston, with welcome convictions, but evidence continues to surface that shows the Shafia Murder Mob even worse than everyone thought, if that’s possible for a trio who drowned four members of their own family.

Turns out that grim-faced patriarch Mohammad (“Moe”) Shafia is also a cheap prick whose stinginess quickly unraveled his already-laughable attempts to get away with mass slaughter. Continue reading

City snoops find buses carry piles of garbage, not all of it politicians

We got trouble right here in Rideau City, trouble that starts with “T” that rhymes with “G” that stands for garbage and finally “P” that stands for papers*, as in newspapers responsible for a terrifying outbreak of sociopathic activity undermining the very moral fabric of this proudly anal-retentive capital. Continue reading

Views on the news
that I’m too lazy to chop for Twitter

My old craft, journalism, has sunk to new lows and I figure it’s time to abandon my 45-year-old battle for neutral reporting of the facts in favour of wallowing in the mire like everyone else.

That leads to a new feature designed to kick-start a campaign to bring more frequent changes in content to the web site by offering a regular twist on the news. (I’m the expert on being regularly twisted.)

Let’s leave any introductions at that and just launch into it.

Newt abandons adultery for more satisfying screwing of a hapless media Continue reading