It’s too hot to be funny and so I thought I’d do something different this week by explaining, once and for all, the complete historical, social and political relationship between Canada and the U.S. 
Okay, now that I’ve got rid of all the kids in the audience, let’s get to the nub of the matter contained in an email I got from a correspondent in Texas named Bert posing the following question: “Dear Gord, there has been a lot of stuff on CNN suggesting you Canadians have got a lot of things right on medicare, immigration, banking and crime prevention. You make a lot of sense behind the humor and I’d be interested in your take on what makes two peoples who share a continent, language and Christian faith so different.”
Aw, hell, that’s easy, Bert. You can see the whole story in one edition of our local paper that came out on July 4, your Independence Day holiday that is observed up here as “Turncoat Terrorists who Took Advantage of Our Much-Mourned Gracious Majesty King George’s Syphilitic Dementia Day.”
Mmmm. OJ. Image via Openfile.ca
First off, we had a federal minister resign because she was caught drinking a $16 glass of orange juice, which is considered very offensive in a nation where everyone feels the proper place for a hefty sum of $16 is invested in TimBits and Lotto 649 Quick-Picks.
Compare that with the U.S. where a minister/secretary refuses to step down after a failed “sting” operation shipped a whole bunch of guns to Mexican drug dealers who used them to kill an American border agent. The Republicans are going to impeach unless they can succeed in their own sting operation to plant some expensive orange juice on him.
Image taken from of the Ottawa Citizen - www.ottawacitizen.com
Another big story here is that charges have been laid against a local priest for something other than diddling children. He is accused of fraud after $400,000 went missing from the parish coffers and mainly ended up being shovelled into the bottomless pit of a high-end casino. Because everyone gambles in Canada (except me) the real crime in the eyes of our citizenry is just having $400,000, legally or not. Canadians consider wealth to be very tacky because it can lead to a fondness for $16 glasses of orange juice. Catholics in particular are upset because of the basic immorality of a godless casino ending up with $400,000 raised in church bingos where 90 percent of the players are on welfare.
In the U.S., men of the cloth are supposed to get rich by defrauding their flocks, but they do it by flogging over-priced Jesus bangles and other cholera-laden Holy Water trinkets made by sweatshop pagans in godless China. Americans have forgiven Jesus for being poor, but don’t put his name on their currency, reserving that trusting tribute to his Dad—the money behind the Man and the manna.
Talking about God, Canadians don’t. This is because we love reading maps and notice that the U.S. Bible Belt corresponds exactly with Hurricane Alley. Americans continue with their hopeless prayers that The Almighty will get over his psychotic hatred for trailer parks. Here, we bring in regulations banning hurricanes and that has obviously worked a lot better. All of our prime ministers have been very devout, but always hid that from public scrutiny. Our politicians would rather have a photographer capture a shot of them coming out of a whorehouse than walking into a church because Canadians accept that our legislators like screwing people more than seeking absolution in confession.
Now here’s the real zinger, Bert. A survey in the same edition shows that 94 percent of Canadians favour abortions and 82 percent same-sex marriage or civil unions. Whoa! Compare that to a divorce rate exceeding 50 percent in America where obviously half the people, like Newt Gingrich, don’t believe in ANY kind of marriage, never mind the ones where both the bride and groom conveniently share the same gift registry at Canadian Tire.
This may be a little overwhelming for a Texan looking north to our peaceable kingdom, but rest assured it’s all part of our Grand Plan (Canadians have for 100 years been recognized as the world’s greatest planners because it takes that long to get anything done up here due to Aboriginal land claims.)
We remain peaceable by culling the herd. You Americans breed like rabbits (even rich ones like that reborn reality-TV nut-bar who drives his family around in his big bus when he’s not driving his long-suffering wife with his Big Buster). Even with all that boinking, the U.S. still experienced its greatest reduction in crime 15 to 20 years after your Supreme Court ruling on Roe versus Wade allowed the abortions so enthusiastically embraced by round-heeled welfare moms to wipe out an entire generation of future criminals.
We came up with a similar, but expanded, solution to crime some 45 years ago when statistics revealed most of it was committed by the criminal races—French-Canadians, Irish-Canadians, English-Canadians, etc.
Thanks to the wholesale adoption of birth control, abortion, gay marriage and every-expanding cable channels that pretty well eliminated any time or desire for breeding, there were soon almost no Canadians left to commit crimes anymore. Or to do anything else, either.
With the police unions raising hell about looming layoffs, we dramatically increased immigration quotas in the hopes that some of these millions invited in to drive our taxis and clean our toilets might do a little crime on the side, in an understated Canadian kinda way.
That part of the plan worked a little too well and now everyone is up in arms because we can’t even pronounce any of the names of the accused appearing the local police blotter and court news (a far cry from when they were all O’Learys or Lovelaces).
Most of these foreign-born miscreants aren’t citizens yet but we have to accept they might be someday, following their 30-day sentences for murder and the 20 years for smoking near the incinerator in Ottawa’s toxic waste landfill site.
Just because these migrants managed to avoid all the other crime-reduction measures and got born, doesn’t mean this country won’t be ready when they emerge from Citizenship Court wearing their tacky little Cosa Nostra maple leaf pins.
They’ll finally be Canadians—and pending legislation will require they do their bit to fight future crime by also wearing tacky little maple leaf condoms.
To ensure fairness and equality, the women will be wearing nagging headaches….
