Sexist pig Randy gets a lesson
on why women hate Valentine’s Day

I was outside chopping up the ice on my driveway and made the mistake of pausing for a smoke break, just enough time for local busybody Randal Kumquat to zero in on me because I wasn’t moving fast enough to thwart his Snoop Radar.

“So, Gord,” he bubbled as he crossed the street after making judgements on everybody on the block by inspecting the contents of their blue recycling boxes, “where are you taking the bride for Valentine’s Day?” Continue reading

When it comes to kitchen space,
human nature abhors a vacuum

We had the kitchen painted recently and I was in the process of putting things back in order when I suddenly suffered a devastating attack of revelation, truth and logic.

Why in the devil was I restoring a gigantic urn of flour to the spot on the counter where it had sat sullen and unused for the last generation?

Right next to the jug holding its even more useless cousin—a hulking sticky brick called brown sugar—and the normal line-up of suspects like rice from the Ming Dynasty, pasta long past it and some frightening yellowy grain. Continue reading

Left without an apology:
Southpaws want redress

The world’s greatest language—English—is still replete with terms of prejudice that would be the subject of liberal and CBC outrage if they were invented today to heap scorn on any minority other than mine.

Society has suppressed the “N-word” for people of tan, dumped “gypped” that might suggest Gypsies are sketchy and scrambled to ban an entire dictionary of terms that change weekly in the rainbow world of gender and sexual orientation.

Millions of marginalized people undoubtedly sleep better knowing they won’t wake up as kikes, spics, dogans and pansies, etc., while their Funk and Wagnall’s sheds the terms and all the entomological roots of such slander. Continue reading