Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not (obviously, considering the references to ancient technology) been updated.
By Gord Lovelace © 1997
Welcome to GOD ON-LINE.
For service in Latin, input ALT MMMXI.
Thank you for choosing GOD ON-LINE, a fully-owned division of Microsoft.
Please select your cursor icon now–a flashing cross for Christians, the little gushing oil well for Moslems. or, for Jews, the blinking smoked meat sandwich.
(BEEP) Thank you. You have chosen the Christian Cross icon which is now automatically flashing on your denominational index.
You can narrow your selection by choosing one of the following: Anglicans should click on the blinking severed head of Anne Boleyn. Southern Baptists can choose the dancing image of James Brown while members of the American Fundamentalist Movement should select the 357 magnum single-action Glock automatic pistol.
Catholics can save time by proceeding to our Saint Website at www.HALO@Bing Crosby.GOD. There may be a slight delay–this site had 321 million registered hits in the last four seconds.
If your favorite saint does not show up in the latest index, check the recycle box for such discarded icons as Saint Christopher, tuna sandwiches on Friday, and real wine at communion.
(BEEP) You have highlighted the Catholic icon and indicated prayer direct to God. This is high presumptuous unless you are a priest or Pierre Elliott Trudeau. If you are Pierre Elliott Trudeau, why aren’t you just lifting the receiver on your red phone. If you are a priest, go to the nearest police station and turn yourself in.
As an ordinary Catholic, you may bypass the Saint website by proceeding to the Spanish Inquisition chat room and downloading your confession. Please include lots of details–we have a reciprocal deal with the letters section of the Penthouse Magazine home page.
(BEEP) You have insisted on direct prayer with God. Please stand by while we check on the availability of the party you wish to reach.
(“BEEP”.) You have reached the confidential voice mail of God. I am away for three weeks of French-language training. Please leave a message or, if divine intercession is urgent, immediate guidance is available from my assistants, St. Peter, Mother Theresa, Elvis or Bill Gates.
(BEEP) Your E-mail has been received. Unfortunately, the miracle you request requires a 486 Pentium server and our records show you are still operating with 386 in Wordperfect 5.0. God is not pleased. Bill Gates is positively livid … and has dispatched a virus which has destroyed half your memory and erased your Minesweeper video game.
As penance, insert the Hail Mary disk in your CD-Rom and hit your Repeat button 100 times.
(BEEP) Thank you for using God On-line, a wholly-owned division of Microsoft Incorporated. While access is free, there is–of course–a small long-distance charge of $18,460 which we have electronically transferred out of every bank account you own.
If you have any complaints about God On-line, please dial our service department at 1-800-HERETIC and wait for the seven plaques which will be delivered upon your house and your family’s next 12 generations.
Have a nice day. Amen.