Lovelace on Life
(White House spin)

Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not been updated. The following obviously goes back to the turn of the newest century.

Lovelace on Life
(White House spin: Clinton personally checks all staff for head lice)

A lot of people are comparing Clinton’s troubles to Watergate, but they are quite different. After all, while Nixon said: “I am not a crook”, Clinton is saying, “Mine is not crooked.”…and when Nixon asked a staffer to come in and “kiss it”, he meant his ass.

So what does this strange shape of the president’s members look like? Well, sources say that in a state of excitement it bends up into an in-turn. Other sources that the shape of it leaves women speechless…. While still others say the shape is very presidential–it fits perfectly into any Oval Orifice.

When a reporter asked Clinton about the State of the Union, the President replied, “There was no state of union–it was just a blow job, fergawdsakes.”

And when you think about it, wasn’t this young lady hired as a receptionist for the Head of State?

So what did White House receptionist Monica say to the president when she passed on a phone call? “I’s fo oo.”

When Clinton was asked the name of the White House intern making these terrible accusations, he replied: “Lewasko, Lowishy…the name escapes me right now, but I was right on the tip of her tongue just a minute ago.”

When Hillary Clinton was asked about the accusations, she dismissed the whole thing as the delusions of star-struck interns. “You must realize,” she said, “that all these young ladies look up to my husband.”

Other defenders of the president suggest that Monica Lewinksky was a rather self-centred person who spent most of her time at the White House navel-gazing….

According to some sources, Bill Clinton used quotations from the Bible to convince himself that oral sex did not amount to adultery. Apparently one of his favorite passages was from the 23rd Psalm which states “my rod in my staff they comfort me.”

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