Lovelace on life
The Boomer’s Guide to Truth and other neat stuff

Editor’s note: Gord has gone off on another mad road trip, the car crammed with beer, smokes, guitars and amps, to inflict himself on unsuspecting and long-suffering relatives and friends all over eastern Canada. To ensure readers don’t miss their regular Thursday morning fix, he has left behind a stash of classics—ancient re-runs that are actually brand new because they were never published back in the day (for good reason) and have not been updated.

Lovelace on life

The Boomer’s Guide to Truth and other neat stuff

Cars
Any car driven by someone wearing a hat always travels five kph under the speed limit.
Any car with two adults in the back seat always travels 10 kph under the speed limit.
Never give the finger to anyone driving a Hummer–they already have enough troubles.
The more massive the tires and suspension on an SUV, the slower they go over parking lot speed bumps.
Quebec drivers are taught from birth that signaling a lane change is a public announcement that you diddle children.

Putting things in perspective
Every generation thinks the era it’s living in is pretty hot stuff. It’s only a few centuries later that some professor comes along and slaps on a judgmental label like “The Dark Ages”. Before we get too smug about our own times, let’s just remember that, 1,000 years from now, historians will probably refer to this as The Age of Lotteries and Abdominal Exercise Machines.

Conspiracies
The only world-wide conspiracy took place in August of 1969 when four billion people knew that Armstrong had screwed up something or other when he said: “A small step for Man; a giant leap for Mankind.” But nobody said anything for 25 years, until Armstrong himself confessed he blew it and should have said “…a small step for A man…”, which would have made sense. All history books have since been rewritten to include the missing article so that future historians will not refer to this as The Age of Really Dumb People.

Women and men
Women go to washrooms more often than men because women don’t consider public flatulence a quality entertainment worth sharing.
If women get so upset when men leave the toilet seat up, how come bidets don’t have any toilet seat at all?….

Women and sons
All in all, most mothers would just as soon their sons were gay–until it’s time for grandchildren.

Children and early fears
Most boomers, as children, were scared shitless of the night-time prayer “Now I lay me down to sleep”, compliments of the unfeeling line “If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” You’re not even toilet-trained and already somebody’s sitting up there on the bedstead waiting for you to die so they can take off with something you didn’t even know you had. This will explain why the children of Boomers have never heard this prayer–and may also explain why many of them have never heard about God….

Also on the Boomer ban list for their kids was the lullaby “rock a-bye baby”. Can you imagine, today, some song writer thumping into a recording company and exclaiming: “I got this great song about putting a baby on top of a tree and then the branch breaks and the whole works comes crashing down”…?

Politics of hate
Politicians who bemoan widespread public disdain for their profession should realize that their own anti-hate laws mean that they are the only remaining visible minority we all can despise without getting our asses thrown in jail.

Sensitivities
Confirm or deny: receptionists at sperm banks and fertility clinics are given written instructions telling them to never say, after receiving samples, “Thank you–come again!”

Journalism
Any journalist who says there’s no such thing as objective journalism has abandoned the quest of at least aspire to approach that ideal.

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